Letter to A

My love,

Another night. Another talk. Shouldn't it feel good after a talk? It should. But it doesn't. We mutually decided to take a step back. To talk maybe not everyday, but when we feel like it and when it suits us. Maybe more IM, less webcaming. Keep it simple. I don't know if that's the best option right now. But I can't stand walking around feeling this lump in my throat anymore. The bare thought of you is actually bringing tears to my eyes, as I'm writing this. Tears of anger and frustration. I feel so weak. Because I don't know what to do.

I'm becoming too dependent of you. Like everything I do right now in my life, I don't put my heart in it anymore... I'm not really enjoying my friends company because I only think of you. I'm always hurrying home to try to catch you online to talk to you. Every time I hear my text signal, my hear skips a beat because I hope it's a text from you... But maybe it should be like this when you're in love? Or should it? My life is on paus. I think I'm afraid that if I press play without you in my life I'll get used to it and after a while you're out of the picture. I just want to press play with you in my life again.

You know what worries me the most? We're in a Momentum 22.
1. We can't make any plans for the future because we don't know how this is gonna work out.
2. This isn't gonna work out if we don't have any plans for the future.
This relationship is still so new. If you think about it, we've only been an official couple since May. Around two months. It's too early to talk about the future. But I want to. I need some kind of plan. Or maybe I just need a sign from you that you believe in this enough to actually consider a future together. But you told me you didn't know. Then who knows then?

You're too good to me. The best boyfriend I could wish for. I don't deserve it. You always want me to be happy and feel good. "I'll follow your lead" you said. So it's up to me to decide how we're gonna do this. I decided this. More space. This might kill this relationship, but still you agreed with me and you are willing to do this. Anything to make me happy again. Why? Why do you let me ruin this? If I try to ruin this again please just slap me, tell me to pull myself together and be happy because we love each other.

You don't know what to do now. I don't know what to do now. No one does. People around me have so many ideas how we should do this. A lot of them start with an "break" and end with an "up". But I don't want to do that. I'm not done with you yet. I want to try to make you happy. I want you to make me happy. We're usually a great team. I want to give us a fair chance. But are there any fair chances when you're thousands miles apart?

Baby, I just need to pull myself together. I need to get my will and energy back so I can manage the situation we're in. I know I can do this. I need a couple of days to get my old self back. Because the old Naffe believed in us so strongly. I'll be offline for a couple of days now. No blog, no skype, no msn, no facebook. But please wait for me, baby. Remember, I love you and I want you, and only you. So very much.

Yours to keep,
Meo